A Winter's Wish Come True Read online

  Scott reaches out and brushes some hair away from my face. ‘You have always been enough and you always will be.’

  His lips are on mine within seconds. I wind my arms round his neck and pull him into me, savouring his touch and taste. He bends down slightly to pick me up and lift me onto the kitchen counter. I run my fingers through his hair and lock my legs around his waist. His warm breath travels over my skin as his lips move down to my neck. His kisses are hungry and desperate as he holds me tightly to him, as though he’s afraid to let me go. I bring his lips back to mine, moaning as I feel his hands explore my body.

  ‘Cleo,’ he whispers when our lips part. He brings our foreheads together and tangles his hands in my hair. ‘What are we doing?’

  ‘I don’t know,’ I admit with a chuckle. ‘But I’ve really missed kissing you.’

  Scott’s smile falters. ‘This isn’t because you’re afraid of me leaving again, is it? Because I meant what I said, I won’t let you go through this by yourself. You don’t have to kiss me to keep me around. I’m not going anywhere.’

  ‘Of course it’s not.’ I screw my eyes shut and jump down from the counter before walking to the other side of the room. ‘Maybe we shouldn’t have let this happen. The last thing we need is things being complicated between us.’

  Scott follows me and draws me into a tight embrace, kissing the top of my head. ‘We broke up because I made a stupid mistake, Cleo, not because we stopped loving each other. Why don’t we give things another go, eh? Let me come back.’

  I badly want to say yes, to let him come home so we can start again. But the fear of him leaving me again still has a tight grip on me.

  ‘Why did you leave me after we slept together?’ I ask. ‘I need to know the truth.’

  Scott swallows hard. ‘You promise to hear me out?’

  I nod and we sit down at the kitchen table. This is it, the moment I find out what really happened that day. My insides twist themselves into knots and I hope I don’t have to run to the bathroom in the next few minutes.

  ‘… I was scared,’ he admits. ‘Getting back together with you was all I’d wanted for the past year and when I woke up next to you, I panicked. I realised I was so close to having everything I’ve ever wanted, and I started worrying that I’d mess things up. I didn’t regret that we slept together, quite the opposite in fact. So I got up to go to my job interview and decided to give you some space. I knew you’d need some since we’d been apart for so long and, to be honest, I did too. I didn’t want to jeopardise everything by rushing to get back together. But the more space I gave you, the harder it got to bring it up. I’m sorry, I should’ve grabbed the situation by the balls sooner.’

  ‘Wait a minute,’ I say. ‘So you let me think our whole night together had been nothing but a huge mistake to you because you were scared? How do you think I felt, Scott? I thought you’d decided to leave me again. I get that you panicked and weren’t sure what to do, but leaving me like that and avoiding me made me think you wanted nothing to do with me. I know I could’ve made the first move, but I thought you just wanted to forget about it and move on!’

  ‘Of course I didn’t!’ he insists. ‘Cleo, you’re all I’ve ever wanted. I know I’ve made some mistakes in the past, but I’m here now and I want us to move forward if we can. Leaving you will always be the biggest mistake of my life, but I can’t take it back now. All I can do is try to make up for it if you’ll let me.’

  The warm, fuzzy feelings I had for him are now beginning to disappear, with frustration offering itself as a replacement. I want to rant about how much time we’ve wasted being scared to be honest with each other. I want to tell him that I don’t know if there’s a way back for us after everything we’ve been through, but that I’d give anything to find one.

  However, his phone goes off. I don’t need to see the screen to know who it is.

  ‘Is that Kayleigh again?’ I ask. ‘Booking another session, is she?’

  Scott nods, but doesn’t reply straight away. He sighs and looks up at me. ‘She’s asking if I fancy going out with her and her friends one night for a few drinks.’

  My heart sinks and I purse my lips to stop the tears from coming. ‘I see. Are you going to go?’

  He frowns. ‘Probably not, why?’

  I throw my chair back and storm away from the table. ‘Don’t let me stop you. On the one hand you’ve got me. I’m about to blow up to the size of a house, I’ll be covered in stretch marks soon, my hormones are going crazy and it wasn’t too long ago I was battling body dysmorphia. Then you’ve got her and … Well, she’s probably perfect, isn’t she? The whole package. What more could you want, eh? I can see why you’d want to go out with her.’

  Tears spill down my cheeks as I picture Kayleigh in my mind. I think of her as being perfectly proportioned with long blonde hair; most women would kill to look like her and any guy would be lucky to go out with her. I haven’t even seen a photo of her, yet I can see her in my head clear as day.

  Scott comes over to me, approaching with caution at first. ‘I’m not interested in her. She’s a nice girl and some men might think she’s attractive, but I don’t want her. Please believe me, Cleo.’

  ‘It’s like I said before; it’s none of my business who you see,’ I reply. ‘Go out with her and her mates if you want. It doesn’t bother me.’

  I’m determined to keep my guard up to stop myself from getting hurt again. For all his claims that he isn’t interested in her, I remember the smile on his face when she texted him the dog video before.

  If he can leave me once, he can leave me again …

  Scott opens his mouth to say something, but changes his mind. His shoulders slouch in defeat and he grabs his jacket from the back of the chair.

  ‘I’m done here. I can’t do this anymore. See you at the next appointment.’

  Chapter Nine

  That night, I have the nightmare to end all nightmares. I’m in the hospital, about to go to my twelve-week scan, except I’m alone this time. I’m lying on the bed, waiting for the sonographer to come in, a sense of impending dread crawling over my skin. The door creaks open, but it’s not Scary Gladys I see. It’s a different Gladys altogether: Phoebe’s disturbing three-dimensional painting from Friends.

  I wake up in a cold sweat just before she can ask me if I’m ready for my examination.

  ‘That’s it,’ I say to the empty room, ‘no more cheese and crackers before bed.’

  I shuffle off the bed to go downstairs, finding it a little more difficult than usual. Although I don’t have a bump per se yet, my waistline is definitely thickening. My body is already starting to show the effects of pregnancy, and it’s scaring the life out of me. Looking down at my burgeoning stomach, I feel as though I’m watching all my years of hard work unravel, that I’ll be back to where I started in no time. Tears prick my eyes as I place my hands where my bump will be. I desperately want to feel the unmitigated joy that most mums-to-be feel when they see themselves begin to change.

  ‘What’s wrong with me?’ I whisper. ‘Why can’t I get used to this?’

  *

  It happens at fourteen weeks and three days.

  I notice it as I’m putting on my baker’s whites, ready to start work for the day. My old ones were a few sizes too big on me, since I was a lot bigger when I started working at The Pastry Corner. Last year, however, I finally had the courage to order some that fit. I’d been scared I’d put all my weight back on for way too long and ordering new whites was my way of putting that behind me.

  Today though, they’re a little tight.

  I know what’s causing it, of course: the baby. Plus, the second helping of sticky toffee pudding I had at my mum and dad’s last week probably played a part. I look down and see the buttons around my stomach strain a little.

  It’s perfectly normal, I tell myself, I knew this would happen, I prepared myself for it.

  I feel bile rise in my throat as I stare at my tiny bump. Anxiety be
gins to grip me; it feels like the control I’ve had over my weight for the last two years since I joined Carb Counters is slipping away. I should be overjoyed seeing my body change to accommodate the baby; it’s a sign that my pregnancy is moving forward at a healthy rate. But all I can think about is the weight I’ve gained. I’m less than halfway through my pregnancy too, so I’m only going to put on more.

  I realise I’m putting my destructive thought patterns before the baby’s wellbeing and feel horribly selfish. A lot of women – including Zara, who still doesn’t know about the baby – would love to be in my position. This is supposed to be the happiest, most exciting time of my life, but my brain is trying to ruin it.

  I maintain a happy façade for the rest of the day, serving customers and whipping up cakes and pastries to my heart’s content. A few notice my bump and ask questions. I tell them about the baby and try to ignore the anxiety bubbling away inside me.

  People are noticing a change already. Won’t be long until Chunky Monkey makes a return. Just like you always knew she would.

  *

  The Carb Counters meeting that night gives me something to focus on. The routine of getting ready for the meeting offers some comfort and stops my thoughts from wandering.

  The only problem is Zara’s here to help me, so keeping my pregnancy a secret won’t be easy. Not least because I feel like someone’s run me down with a bus. The nausea’s subsided, but now I just feel awful.

  ‘Craig’s talking about booking a weekend away,’ she says, taking a seat in the circle. ‘We thought maybe somewhere in the Lake District, a nice cottage or something.’

  My response comes out on autopilot. ‘That’s great, it’s a lovely place to visit apparently.’

  She doesn’t answer immediately so I turn around to face her. Her head cocks to one side and her eyes narrow.

  ‘There’s something different about you,’ she says. ‘You look … I don’t know, just different. Have you got something you want to tell me?’

  I freeze as I try to come up with an excuse. There’s got to be something I can say to throw her off the scent.

  ‘Um … I …’

  ‘Only me!’ Emma calls as she strolls into the community centre.

  I breathe a sigh of relief and dash over to her, hoping Zara won’t press me any further. I don’t even register a very important envelope falling out of my Carb Counters folder.

  ‘Hey Cleo, you dropped this,’ Zara says.

  I turn around just in time to see her pick up the envelope with my scan photos inside. My heart leaps into my mouth and I freeze in place as she lifts the flap.

  ‘Let’s see what we have here,’ she says with a grin. ‘Maybe this is the big secret you’ve been hiding.’

  ‘No, don’t look at that!’

  My legs finally decide to move and I’m across the room in seconds. But I’m too late; Zara has taken the scan photo out of the envelope. Her smile vanishes in an instant as she puts two and two together.

  ‘You’re …?’ She looks up at me, tears shining in her eyes.

  I close my eyes and sigh. ‘I’m so sorry, I know I should’ve told you.’

  ‘Well, why didn’t you? I take it you found out that day you collapsed at the meeting.’

  I nod, holding back tears. ‘Yeah, they did some blood tests and … I found out then. I’m just over fourteen weeks gone. I really wanted to tell you, but I thought after everything you’ve been through, it might seem like I was rubbing your face in it.’

  The whole of Zara’s body seems to deflate. ‘Cleo, you’re one of my best friends! If you’ve got amazing news like this, I’ll be happy for you, no questions asked. You’re right, I’ve been through a lot trying to have a baby, three miscarriages and an ectopic pregnancy aren’t easy to forget. But that doesn’t mean for a second that you had to hide your news from me. I’m a big girl, I don’t need to be protected Cleo.’

  ‘I know you don’t; you’ve come so far in the last year and I really did want to tell you. I was just trying to find the right time, that’s all.’

  Zara scoffs and folds her arms across her chest. ‘Were you going to send me an announcement after you’d given birth? Maybe invite me to the kid’s uni graduation?’

  There’s a flicker of her trademark humour in her voice, but I can tell she’s still mighty pissed off with me.

  ‘Maybe,’ I joke. ‘You’d have definitely been invited to their wedding.’

  ‘Good, you know how much I love buying hats,’ she replies with a grin. ‘You owe me a catch-up, lady. I want to know everything that’s going on with you. How about after the meeting’s finished?’

  I consider taking a rain check and going home for the night because I feel so washed out, but decide against it. Instead, I stick my hand out for her to shake.

  ‘Deal.’

  *

  The group members have their ups and downs this week. Sheila’s hit another brick wall with her diet, mainly due to a string of birthday meals in the same week. If I’ve told her once about the ‘lighter’ options on menus, I’ve told her a thousand times. But let’s be honest, who really wants to pick away at a salad when everyone else is tucking into pizza and steak?

  ‘Well done everyone,’ I say as they file out the door. ‘Keep up the good work for next week.’

  Tonight’s workout came courtesy of a dodgy-looking DVD from the eighties: my boss Claudine’s idea of a replacement for me. In her email to me, she promised to sort out a proper fitness instructor, but she thought that Abz ‘n’ Ass would do for now.

  ‘Ready to go then?’ Zara asks, linking her arm through mine.

  ‘As I’ll ever be,’ I reply, feeling a sense of relief that I’m not lying to her anymore.

  The Bell and Candle isn’t too busy when we go in. The snug little pub is the centre of all of Silverdale’s social activity with its cosy booths and friendly bar staff. Zara goes to grab a table while I head to the bar to order some drinks.

  ‘Hi Ben,’ I say with a smile. ‘Can I have two white wines please? Actually … a white wine and an orange juice.’

  I kick myself for almost ordering my usual glass of wine. Ben nods and sets about sorting my order. I can’t miss his stern expression or the way the bottles clatter as he handles them.

  ‘Still no further forward with winning Emma back?’ I venture.

  ‘Nope, I’ve been hitting my head against that brick wall for the last seven months,’ he snaps. He sighs and leans on the bar top. ‘Sorry, it’s not your fault. I’ve tried everything I can think of to win her back, but she’s not having any of it. I don’t suppose she’s said anything to you?’

  I grimace and shake my head. ‘Sorry, can’t help you. All she told me at the time was that things weren’t working out between you.’

  He rolls his eyes, mutters ‘bollocks’ and stalks off to the other side of the bar to serve a customer. I don’t even think he’s realised he’s forgotten to charge me for the drinks. I slip some money behind the bar and carry the drinks to the table Zara’s managed to snag.

  ‘How’s Lover Boy?’ she asks, taking the glass of white wine from me. ‘Still heartbroken?’

  I nod as I make myself comfortable. ‘He’s got it bad. From what Emma told me when they split up, they just stopped working. He’d do anything to win her back though. Poor bloke even forgot to take my money for these!’

  Zara giggles and shakes her head. ‘What was it Shakespeare said, the course of true love never did run smooth? The man knew what he was talking about, that’s for sure.’

  ‘How are things with you and Craig?’ I ask. ‘If you’re thinking of booking a weekend away, it must be going well.’

  The broad grin on her face tells me everything I need to know: she’s still under his spell. ‘Cleo, I’ve never been so happy. He’s really turned a corner. I know we’ve had a few false starts over the last little while, but this is it. He said he wants to put all the baby stuff behind us and have a fresh start. Isn’t that amazing?’

>   ‘Yes …’ I say slowly, ‘as long as he means it this time. I don’t want to see you get hurt again. You deserve better than that.’

  Zara stiffens and sips her wine. ‘He’s serious this time. Trying to have a baby took a lot out of us and we needed to separate so we could figure things out.’

  He spent his time ‘figuring things out’ with as many different women as possible, I say to myself. Any attempt to bring this up before has resulted in an argument, so I decide not to say anything.

  ‘Well that’s amazing,’ I say with a tight smile. ‘I hope you enjoy the Lake District.’

  ‘No, you don’t,’ she replies. ‘But thanks anyway. I know you probably think I’m mad to still love him after everything, but … I can’t help myself.’

  Out the corner of my eye, I’m sure I can see a group of people look over at me. Maybe my bump’s more visible than I first thought? Fear begins to grip me: do I look like an ugly, misshapen mess? What if they’re laughing at me? I can’t bear the thought of being the butt of jokes again. I smooth my top down, making sure my bump stays out of sight. I try to remember some helpful advice from my therapist: don’t worry about what other people think of you, Cleo. Worry about what YOU think of you.

  ‘He’s my lobster,’ Zara continues, giving me a distraction from my spiralling thoughts. ‘You know, like in Friends? Lobsters mate for life, apparently. Craig’s mine, just like Scott’s yours.’

  I burst out into a fit of giggles. ‘That’s a lovely sentiment, Zara, but I don’t think so! Another lobster’s got her eye on him from the sounds of things. He says he’s not interested, but I don’t know.’

  Her eyes widen and she reaches over to grab my hand. ‘What? Tell me everything.’

  *

  So that’s exactly what I do.

  Zara is hooked as I take her through the twists and turns of the last few months, including Scott and I sleeping together and Kayleigh being in the background. I wonder whether to leave out the surprise kiss we shared after the twelve-week scan, in case she gets her hopes up, but I chuck it in anyway.